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Cosmic Alchemy + My Journal - Post Here

From London to LA with love: London, stuck in a rut with you....

Ambi Sitham

Hello dear souls who find your way to my website and find yourself reading this blog.

Times they are a changing and I am finding myself called to share more about my journey of alchemy and deep transformation which started over a decade ago in January 2008.

In truth I think I am writing and sharing more for myself as a form of self-expression which I have stifled for a long time but I am now unable to ignore.

I hope too that sharing my journey may also help others on their paths of transformation.

As I recently celebrated six years of living in the city of angels I stumbled upon an old blog which I started mid 2012 and documents my move to Los Angeles.

The blog was entitled 'From London to LA with Love' and was inspired by the emails I sent to a select bunch of good friends during my initial three month sabbatical in Los Angeles in the summer of 2011.

And this is the 'bio' of sorts that I wrote to accompany the (now defunct) blog.

A true story in real time. A seemingly sane (yet clearly cuckoo, that's moi!) professional young woman from London who after a random dream, decided to move to LA, uprooting her entire life in the process.

This blog documents the ensuing journey I went on (am still on) emotionally, spiritually, romantically and professionally and the transition from living in London to my new life in La La land.

I felt inspired to share it all with you and wow is reading it again bringing back so many feels...

So here it is...

Part One: London, stuck in a rut with you....

 

January 2011

Life in London was good.

But the truth is that something was missing and it had been for a while.

On the surface I could tick so many of the boxes that people regularly have as their checklist for happiness. I was healthy and financially stable. I had a wonderful flat near to close friends and family whom I saw often. I had a packed and fun social life.

I hadn't yet found that special person but I was having a lot of fun interviewing... and I had total faith that Mr X and that happy ever after ending would come at the right point in my life.

Things were good. Apart from this underlying feeling that something was missing and a restlessness that I couldn't shake off with a fun date or new crush, weekend break or a new course.

And the truth is that I had been feeling slightly off since September 2009 - a mere six months after I had bought my flat.

At a time when I was living the life I had always thought I had wanted I couldn't stop the little voice inside that told me that I wasn't living the life I should be.

I tried to quieten it by looking harder around me for people or things to get passionate about.

But I couldn't find the solution anywhere. So I carried on maintaining the status quo whilst always looking out for whatever it may be that I was missing.

However I couldn't help but feel like a hamster on a wheel and the truth is that deep down inside I was pretty miserable.

And then everything came  to a head in January 2011.

Unlike many people who find January a depressing month I always found the new year an exciting time; the whole year ahead of you, so many adventures and dreams to be discovered - a time to be planting seeds for everything you wanted your year to be.

But this year was different. I felt apathetic and jaded - almost unheard of for me.

As I stood on the tube sweltering in my winter coat I looked at the man in front of me who had taken his coat off and wore a t-shirt on with writing on the back that said, 'Been there, seen it, done it'.

At this exact moment the Stereophonics song 'Stuck in a Rut' came on my ipod. 

 

 Excuse the grainy picture....taken by my then blackberry, or crackberry as I used to like to call it! Remember those?!

Excuse the grainy picture....taken by my then blackberry, or crackberry as I used to like to call it! Remember those?!

As I stared at the words on the man's t-shirt and with the words of the song in my ears I felt my face flush as my eyes pricked with tears and before I knew it I was 'that girl'.

You know that girl you see with tears streaming down her face on the tube with her earphones in and you presume is crying over some guy.

Well that was me.

Apart from the fact that I was crying, and dare I say mourning, for myself.

Here are the lyrics of the Stereophonics song: -

 

You make do with your lot,
You got a choice to make,
You gotta follow your gut,
Your heads in a state,
You're stuck in a rut,
You're wasting days,
Time don't wait so..

Make your choice either go or stay
What you got in your heart is dying every day
You're scared to let go though your mind is made
Just pack your soul and don't stay

You're feeling down and low
You're dreaming of how it should feel,
Staying will set your soul on fire,
You're stuck in a rut and your life is forgotten.

It's only a house don't make it a home
Are you a man or a mouse?
You gotta walk it alone
It's time to let go, get on with the show
The clock is ticking

What you've got is long gone
Draw a line in the sand
Your poker face is shot
I can see through your hand
Stop lying to yourself
Gotta make new plans
Time don't wait for no man

You're feeling down and low
You're dreaming of how it should feel
Staying will set your soul on fire

 

As I got off the tube, trying to hide my face in shame from the sympathetic glances of onlookers, I resolved that somehow I would shake my life up.

My mind raced from all range of possibilities from moving out to the suburbs and getting a bigger place, to going to Thailand for a month's working holiday with a charity, to a yoga retreat in Ibiza.

I was soon home (the joys of living a stone's throw from the tube station) and I sat down with a cup of tea and stared out at the Anthony Gormley statue which stood firmly on top of the building opposite my apartment complex and was my constant companion.

 Gormley’s dark figure is entitled  You  and some commentators have said that he gives the impression to onlookers of being squeezed into a tight urban surrounding, perhaps a comment on London life....

Gormley’s dark figure is entitled You and some commentators have said that he gives the impression to onlookers of being squeezed into a tight urban surrounding, perhaps a comment on London life....

And then my phone buzzed. With a message from a good friend.

Would I like to join him and a bunch of our lovely friends for a fun long weekend in LA for Oscars weekend?

My flights were taken care of and all I needed to bring was my wardrobe of choice and my party mojo...

For the first time in ages I felt quite excited. This trip clearly wasn't the solution to my lost soul but maybe a fun, glamorous weekend away with this gang would give my mojo a much needed boost.

Little did I know what that trip would spark.

But you know what they say about things happening when you least expect it...

Part two is coming next week.....so stay tuned if you'd like :)